Bad Joke Thread [Archive]

The BoyBlunder

10/08/2007, 17:35

THis is a thread for bad jokes. Old, new, and somewhere in between. Now, these jokes are not meant to be dirty, but rather, jokes that will make you groan, because they are just soooooo bad. I'll start.

What do you get when you cross Sega with alcohol?

A Vodka Sonic.

Lets do it people!

TheNumberOfTheBeast

10/08/2007, 17:55

OK, sure.

What is the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

Spideyfan29

11/16/2007, 15:02

God appears to a man and tells him to bring all his money to vegas.

He gets to a casino, and God tells him to go to the blackjack table and bet everything on one hand.

His first two cards get him an 18.

God says "take another card".

He gets a 2.

God says "take another card".

The guy says "are you serious? I've got 20!".

God says "take another card".

He gets a 5.

God says "****!!!"

JKLantern

11/16/2007, 15:06

So there was this guy, John. John was down on his luck: no job, no home, no girlfriend to mooch off of, no prospects. So, every day, he prayed that he would win the lottery.

One day, he prayed, "Dear God, please let me win the lottery today."

And the clouds parted. And a beam of light shined from the heavens. A heavenly chorus sang. A comforting and paternalistic voice spoke:

"John; Buy a ticket!"

EmperorNorton

11/16/2007, 15:08

There are two goldfish in their tank. Says one to the other: "You man the guns, I drive."

Antipathy

11/16/2007, 15:12

JKLantern

11/16/2007, 15:14

There are two goldfish in their tank. Says one to the other: "You man the guns, I drive."

To quote Pickles the Drummer:

"That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life."

sstralkowski

11/16/2007, 16:36

What's brown and Sticky? a stick

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

sstralkowski

11/16/2007, 16:42

Two rednecks are sitting around a camp fire. The one asks the other, "What do ya call a deer wit no eyes?" The other gazes into the fire for a second to ponder and responds, "No Idee'er" Frustrated, the first redneck blurts out, "Ok smarty, what do ya call a deer wit no legs AND no eyes?" The second pauses yet again and shakes his head as he comes back with, "Still no Idee'er."

Superbleederrx

11/16/2007, 18:35

Womens Rights

sstralkowski

11/16/2007, 19:09

Womens lefts?

St-Dumas

11/16/2007, 20:27

Two cupcakes are baking in an oven. One says "Man, it's hot in here." The other one says "HOLY ####! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"

The BoyBlunder

11/16/2007, 21:47

Two cupcakes are baking in an oven. One says "Man, it's hot in here." The other one says "HOLY ####! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"
I take it the talking muffin was next to the two cupcakes?

St-Dumas

11/16/2007, 23:26

I take it the talking muffin was next to the two cupcakes?

Damn right.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Eliphino.

JKLantern

11/16/2007, 23:28

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Take the "F" out of way.

St-Dumas

11/16/2007, 23:45

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, then close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, then close the door.

The lion organizes a meeting of the animals. All of them show up except for one. Which one didn't show up?
The giraffe, which is still in the refrigerator.

There is a river that you must cross, but man-eating crocodiles are there. How do you get across?
You swim. The crocodiles are in the meeting.

JKLantern

11/17/2007, 00:08

There is a river that you must cross, but man-eating crocodiles are there. How do you get across?
You swim. The crocodiles are in the meeting.

They aren't at the meeting. They're there at the river.

Deceiver! :mad:

JackAssterson

11/17/2007, 00:10

What would Ben Franklin say if he was alive today?

GET ME OUTTA THIS COFFIN! HELP! HEEEEEEELP!

SaferSephiroth

11/17/2007, 00:14

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce out! It's cold in here!

St-Dumas

11/17/2007, 00:54

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daniel.
Daniel who?
Daniel so loud! I'm trying to get some ####ing sleep!

Truffle Shuffle

11/17/2007, 11:28

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

sstralkowski

11/19/2007, 15:52

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

BOOOOOO!!!

sstralkowski

11/21/2007, 21:25

Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the dogs.

Truffle Shuffle

11/21/2007, 21:49

Why don't blind people sky dive? It scares the dogs.

BOOOOOO!!!

:laugh: :laugh:

JackAssterson

11/21/2007, 21:55

Here's one of Rokk's favorites:

Fizz is scratching, Mizz is sneezing, Dizz is crying. When Rizz has a heart attack, who do you turn to?

In case of medical emergency, always consult a Fizz itchin'.

Ok, maybe it's not one of Rokk's favorites

Antipathy

12/03/2007, 11:35

A guy walks into a costume party with a girl on his back.

The host asks: "Who are you supposed to be?"

"A snail."

"Then what's with the girl on your back?"

"That's Michelle."

JKLantern

12/03/2007, 11:45

So, we all know about Ghandi, right? Great guy. Worked hard to change the world. Important religious and political figure, right? As we all know, he was kinda frail.

What you might not know is that the guy never wore shoes, and enjoyed going on long walks. So, as you can imagine, his feet got tough and rather scaley. Heck, dude could probably step on a nail and the nail would break before his skin did. Scientists tried for years to duplicate the skin of his feet to use as body armor for policemen and soldiers. An assassin tried to take Ghandi down with a diamond coated blade, and his feet broke it. His feet were just that tough.

Another little known fact was that Ghandi's favorite food was onion. He loved onions. He'd just grab them, peel them, and then eat them raw, kinda like how people over here like to eat apples. Of course, this didn't do good things for his breath. When he opened his mouth, such an array of biochemical terror came out that he was classified as a weapon of mass destruction. His speeches were known to literally melt tanks. It was really unfortunate when Ghandi was on the dating scene.

So, in summary, I guess you could say that Ghandi was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis.

Antipathy

12/18/2007, 00:00

What do you call a pig that can do karate?

A pork chop.

JKLantern

12/18/2007, 00:05

Okay, everyone knows Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey of the Who are good musicians. What not everyone knows is that they're strong Animal Right's Activists. When they meet Ted Nugent, sparks fly, man. They hear about animal injustice, they pounce right on it.

So, they heard about an animal shelter where the animals were being abused. The food sucked, there wasn't any heat for the poor critters, the people working there were cruel. The people at this animal shelter especially mistreated the puppies. This had been going on for several years, and finally, Daltrey and Townshend got sick of it.

One night, they broke into the shelter and opened all the cages. Workers came, but Daltrey knocked them each out with one punch. Soon, all those sad, mistreated puppies were free.

Headline the next day:

"The Who Let the Dogs Out!"

Antipathy

12/26/2007, 10:44

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Cows

Cows who?

Cows don't go who, they go moo!

Darkseid Sr.

12/26/2007, 12:37

Cancer must be pretty popular! Everybody is getting it!

(I can say that because I had cancer)

Uknown352

12/26/2007, 12:44

Boo!!!! Get Off The Stage!

Antipathy

01/05/2008, 01:01

What car would Jesus drive?

A Honda.

"For I did not speak of my own accord" John 12:49-50

tidge

01/05/2008, 01:05

Knock Knock.

JackAssterson

01/05/2008, 01:06

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

tidge

01/05/2008, 01:07

...

Who's there?

"Woody."

JackAssterson

01/05/2008, 01:08

...

"Woody."

Woody who?

tidge

01/05/2008, 01:09

Woody who?

Woody you want, a joke?

loganspeedo

01/05/2008, 01:18

Two guys walk into a bar

The third guy ducks

Antipathy

01/05/2008, 03:00

So lately my wife has been working alot of evening shifts, and for the past couple months has been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind, I would rather have someone with her in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems that they have become a little bit more than friends. You know the scenario, the phone calls that hangup, she starts wearing nice clothes to work, talking about him all the time, etc. I don't know what to think. If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for like twenty minutes. I asked her once what they were doing, she said "just talking"....whatever. So last night I decide that I'm going to see what really goes on out there. I leave the garage door open, but turn out all the lights. About the time she usually gets home, I go out and hide in the garage and wait. In a few minutes, his car pulls into my driveway, and I'm hiding behind the NSX. When his headlights shine through the garage and onto my car, I see something that I just can't believe. Both wheels on the passenger side have major curb rash. Do you guys think I should replace them with factory or go aftermarket?

Darkseid Sr.

01/05/2008, 10:55

So a Jewish detective walks in to a precinct, and gets a headshot report.

"3:00 last night, straight in the head", the deputy says.

Suddenly the Jewish detective become incredibly angry, starts swearing and cursing and throwing stuff, and the deputy says, "What's the matter, why are you so angry?"

And the Inspector says, "He shot him in the temple!"

loganspeedo

01/05/2008, 16:58

Why was 6 afraid of 7

because 7 ate 9

JackAssterson

01/05/2008, 17:02

Here's a joke I wrote just for Rokk_Krinn:

Fizz is scratching, Mizz is laughing, Tizz is walking. When Dizz has a heart attack, which one do you call?

In case of medical emergency, always consult a Fizz itchin'.

Antipathy

01/05/2008, 17:06

This (http://www.hcrealms.com/forum/showpost.php?p=3141386&postcount=25) is another joke Jack wrote that I found funny.

Magnito

01/05/2008, 17:07

Three women go on vacation to a resort. As they are welcomed in, they are told only one thing:
"We only have one rule here. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck."

They walk in, only to find the place swarming with ducks. They are literally, everywhere.
The first woman takes a step, and immediately steps on a duck. A very ugly man is then handcuffed to her and she is told by the owner "as your punishment for stepping on a duck, you must be handcuffed to this man for the rest of your stay."

The second woman does a little better, she goes an entire day before she steps on a duck. However, the result was the same, she too was handcuffed to a very ugly man.

The third woman is determined. She shuffles her feet so she cannot step on a duck. After three days, a gorgeous man is brought to her and handcuffed to her by the owner.
"But I didn't do anything wrong" protested the woman. "What did I do?"
"I don't know what you did" said the owner "but this man stepped on a duck"

The BoyBlunder

01/05/2008, 17:19

A woman's sink is broken, so she calls a plumber. She explains the problem to him, and he says he will be over between 3 and 5. She tells him that she will be working, and will not be home, but she will leave him a key under the mat. She just has to warn him about something. Don't worry about the dog, but what ever you do, do NOT talk to the parrot. If you don't, everything should be fine. The plumber agrees to be over the next day.

The plumber arrives at 4:30, takes the key from under the mat, opens the door, and is greated by the biggest pitbull he has ever seen. But as the woman said, he just raises his head off the floor where he is lying down, and then returns to his resting position. However, as he is working, the parrot will not shut up. It shouts curses, insults, and racial slurs at the man. Finally, the plumber can't take it. The plumber shouts "Shut the **** up you **** bird!"

The parrot raises his crest and responds "Get him Butch!"

loganspeedo

01/05/2008, 17:24

I hate it when that happens

Knock Knock

Who's there

Interupting Cow

Interup...MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Darkseid Sr.

01/05/2008, 17:31

So, these 3 explorers go looking for ancient Aztec gold in this Aztec Pyramid. Each of them go into seperate rooms. The first one goes into this giant corridor, and reads the inscriptions on the walls. The inscription reads "You will die a fiery death..." So the explorer grabs some treasure that's lying around, and runs out of the corridor just as the entire corridor bursts into flames.

The second explorer goes into a giant chamber, and he too reads the inscriptions. His inscriptions read "You will die a watery death..." So this explorer grabs some treausre, and runs out of the chamber, just as the place floods.

The third explorer walks into this ancient burial crypt. He reads on the wall, "You will die a mysterious death...". So, grabbing some treasure, he jumps out, just as the place fills with skulls...

So, each of the explorers become filthy rich from their treasure. The first explorer moves to California, the second moves to Florida, and the third to Montana.

So, one day, the third explorer is sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper, when he spies a disturbing headline: "Famous explorer dies from wildfire in California..." Suddenly the explorer remembers what his friend had told him about the inscription.

Then, the next day, the explorer sees yet another disturbing headline, this one reading, "Famous Explorer dies in Hurricane Joey". Again, the explorer remembers something about an inscription...

Well, the explorer gets up, throws away his newspaper, and begins to walk home. Suddenly, he hears this ~thump thump thump~ behind him. He turns around, and following him is a coffin! The explorer runs as fast as he can to get away from this hopping coffin, but nothing he does stops it.

Finally, the explorer arrives at his house, and he locks the door, but the coffin breaks down the wall to his house! The explorer, in his panic, attempts to barricade himself in the bathroom. The coffin breaks down the door to the bathroom, and the explorer, in his desperation, reaches into his medicine cabinent and throws a liquid onto the coffin!

Immediately, the coffin stops, turns around, and hops away. The explorer breathes a sigh of relief and looks at the medicine bottle:

Formula 101: Stops the coughin'

loganspeedo

01/05/2008, 17:41

That was actually funny

DocDoom187

01/06/2008, 17:40

This (http://www.hcrealms.com/forum/showpost.php?p=3141386&postcount=25) is another joke Jack wrote that I found funny.
Remember folks. Jack is a Humor Specializing AI Program. Soon he'll run out of fresh material in his databanks and be forced to start repeating old jokes!

DocDoom187

01/06/2008, 17:42

KitsuShel

01/06/2008, 19:37

If you have to preface your post with: Warning Mature Content, then maybe you should think twice about posting it.

:cheeky:

DocDoom187

01/06/2008, 19:38

If you have to preface your post with: Warning Mature Content, then maybe you should think twice about posting it.

:cheeky:
A)I don't know what you're talking about

B)I warned everyone, put it in spoiler tags, andf it was fuuuuunny.

:p