View Full Version : Why MUST there be Pain?
So anyway, blah blah, let's all feel sorry for Random.
So I am a 30 year old male. I have, in my lifetime, expierienced love with somone not related to me exactly twice. The first ended in divorce. and Now, last night, the 21st of march 2003, the one woman who I love more than any other, the person who was and still is the best part of all that is good in my life, the person I lived with for so long, was taken from me.
Why am I posting this in a silly game forum? a pathetic attempt for sympathy? maybe. probably. but believe it or not, I LOVE this community, and the people in it, although I have only ever met one person from here in real life. I share my joy at pulling figs with people here. I share ideas, insults, fears, hopes, teams, why not my pain as well?
Nothing any of you can say, will make me feel the loss any less, I am just writing in an attempt to keep from falling into despair.
Why is life like this? Why can't just for ONCE, something good last? Love? life? they can be taken away from you. not the memories, those are yours forever. But the rest can be snatched at a moments notice. Heck, even this, the most beloved game of my life, will end someday.
No more plastic clicky goodness for poor ol Random.
GOD! I HATE YOU SOOO MUCH SOMETIMES! something that beutifull, so pure, and YOU TOOK HER FROM ME!
So here, since I cannot express myself in words, out loud for fear of the pain I write to you my goodbye.
Goodby, Becky, My love and guiding light. I will NEVER forget you. Untill we meet again.
Michael J. Harper
Valandar
03/22/2003, 12:28
Random...
I do not know you very well. I do not know the pain of losing a spouse. And I do not know what I can say.
All I can say is that I, for one, do not think it was wrong of you to post this, for many reasons.
First, for you. You need catharsis. You need to let it out. And by putting this here, you have released some of the grief and anguish this has caused.
Second, for us. We need to be aware that nothing in this world is eternal. Those closest to us may be taken at any second, and we should hold on to and cherish them while we have them.
I am not a religious man, I'm rather agnostic, but I do believe in some form of aftelife. And you will one day be rejoined, in my opinion.
Just remember to take care of yourself so you don't hasten that reunion without realizing it.
Oh, and I don't feel sorry for you. Again, i do not know you. But I do think that you have every right, at this time, to do and say what you have done and said.
Thanks.
I only Wanted You
They say memories are golden
Well maybe that is true,
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried
If love alone
could have saved you
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still,
In my heart for you a place
No one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to Heaven
And get you back again.
Our Family chain is broken,
And nothing is the same,
But as God calls us one bye one,
The chain will link again.
feel free to comment abaout the poem. and I am sorry if I said nothing you can say will make me feel better. I was wrong. any kind words ARE appriciated
Why am I posting this in a silly game forum? a pathetic attempt for sympathy? maybe. probably. but believe it or not, I LOVE this community, and the people in it, although I have only ever met one person from here in real life. I share my joy at pulling figs with people here. I share ideas, insults, fears, hopes, teams, why not my pain as well?
This is the right thing to do. Shared pain is lessened, just as shared joy is magnified. We may just be words on a screen to each other, but that doesn't mean we can't empathise and help each other. Some people I consider among my closest friends I've never met face to face, and we've shared good and bad and helped each other through it.
I am sorry for your loss and do wish I could say something profound or witty to help you with your pain. I wish I could say the pain will go away, or promise it would get better. All I can do is say that from those I know who have lost spouses, with time you will feel better. You may not be able to rid yourself of the pain, but you will learn to live with it and through it. You will smile again, laugh again, play again. It's not much, but it's the best I can offer.
Manchine
03/22/2003, 12:59
Well I saw the title I figured hey I put some smart alex remark down. Read it thought ok forget that.
As for pain it seems to go hand in hand with life. Without pain we would never understand how good the good is.
For me know about this. I have told some people about this on the boards. Some people here know the whole story some know bits and pieces. I guess I will say it here and hopefully you will feel a little better.
I learned a long time ago that there are people worse off then me. I was feeling all down on myself and I talking to a group of people. Actually more like I was listening and not talking. But I learned from that experience that there are people that are worse off. It helps in the understanding of feelings.
Now to my more recent history.
Little over 3 years ago I got in a car Accident. A bad one, I rolled my car and I nearly died. People know about this part. What people dont know is. I was in a coma for 3 days. When I woke up didnt know who I was or who anyone was. Took me a good 2 weeks before I started remembering again. I still have holes in my memories and not jsut small ones. I have had to go back to college and relearn a lot of things I already knew but forgot. I had to relearn how to walk. Gained about 100 pounds becuase of all this.
About 8 monthes after this finally starting to getting back to order. I was driving to work and had my first seizure, that I knew about. When I woke up I was in a golf course. We found out I was having a lot of seizures. With each seizure I had extreme headache's. Debilatating migraines to be exact. With each seizure part of my short term memory also went bye bye. Talk about having to learn things even harder. The put me on some medicine that worked pretty good. Had seizure's about once a month. Also during this time find out my Irises(sp?) are stuck open on my eyes. That's why I am light sensitive now. Wear shaded glasses, even at night.
Well two years goes by. I go for some check ups becuase of a problems. Well to find out I have Breast Cancer. Caused by my seizure medicine. So now we are in the process of finding new medicine for me. But during this time I have to deal with a lot of seizures. Plus figureing out if I have to have surgery or not.
You can usually tell how good my days are by my writing ability. Sometimes my words dont make sense because my head just isnt work at 100%.
So I have a loving wife, but I have health issues. So even if you get what you want something bad things can always happen. It took me 10 years of dating and pain to find the right person. There are always others that have it worse remember that.
I hope this helps.
Machine, thanks for your kind words. But, as for worse? At least you are still alive. still have love. Yes, I am still alive, and still relatively young, so might love again .BUT I WANTED HER! Iam sorry for your pain, and you are right, I am sure alot of people face this every day, and worse things, but LORD! it was just STUPID! she didn't have to go, not yet. 24 is TOO darn young!
Jack-Outlaw
03/22/2003, 13:12
my prayers and condolences go out to you and the families involved. if you need someone to vent to or just need to talk message me. ill be glad to listen.
Manchine
03/22/2003, 13:15
THere is never a good time for Death. No matter how old you are, it doesnt matter. No one is ready for it. I am so sorry for your loss.
Well, maybe there is never a good time, but 24! that's not old enough to have had a CHANCE at life.
Random,
Thank you for sharing your loss and your pain. You honor us with your trust. And thank you for reminding us that life is not certain, a lesson we all forget too easily.
Please know that there are people that love you and that they are there for you. This certainly includes those of us here on the boards. My request is that you use us in whatever way works to be complete with what has happened and to allow the pain to fade.
Life exists in community, please don't go alone into that ugly place we call our minds.
PM or email me if you'd like someone to talk to.
My heart and thoughts are with you.
Jeff
and you know what the ##### of it all is? the worst most horrible part? the last words I ever got a chance to say? "I don't care"
It doesn't matter what we were talking about, or what it was in reference too. My only advice to anyone, the only thing I now KNOW! if you love someone, never use the words " I don't care" you may not have a preference in something, but you should alway's care.
and if that is the last thing you ever get to say? what then? for eternity, the last memory you have, is of that.
I will live. I am a survivor, and alway's have been. but what now? to live without light? without hope? without her smile and laugh? what kind of life is that?
docmartin72
03/22/2003, 14:29
I am sorry for you loss. Your words ring very true, and we would all do well to heed them. And we should think of this tragedy before we whine about how bad our lives are.
docmartin72
03/22/2003, 14:29
I am sorry for you loss. Your words ring very true, and we would all do well to heed them. And we should think of this tragedy before we whine about how bad our lives are.
Jason Blood
03/22/2003, 14:34
life is a but a mere cycle
never ending
first life
in the end death
we are nothing but flesh
but inside a soul
we must continue
but remember
we will all be there
Just thought this might help you
just my ever continuing thanks to those of you who are trying to help. and to those of you who have pm'ed me. Thanks.
shin-goji
03/22/2003, 14:55
I sympathise with you Random. I hope you can find some peace.
thanks Shin. ya know, I was thinking. She never liked my clix, but she respected that I loved them. She was nice enough to act excited when I was about getting a new or needed fig. Who am I gonna share Xplosion with now? (good lord that sounds lame) but really. She was my chess partner too. whenever we were having tough times or arguing, we'd set up the chess board, and go at it. the game takes so much concentration, that by the time one or the other of us had won, we had both either forgotten what we were fighting about, or the anger part had left at least.
Anyone up for a game of chess?
Well, I don't really have any advice or deep thoughts for you, but I just want you to know that you have my condolences aswell. I hope that the pain will go away soon.
Ramplate
03/22/2003, 16:15
My deepest sympathy for your loss.
I lost my father about 8 years ago, he had a stroke and lingered on for 2 months from about just before Thanksgiving to January 14th. We all knew there was no hope of him getting better, and it was very frustrating for all to see him struggle to try to say what was on his mind.
It was very hard to go through the next couple of Thanksgivings and Christmases without him because that was the time of year he went through all that. I can remember being upset because I couldn't remember a time when I actually said "I love you" to him. My mother said "don't worry, he already knows". I did get to tell him that, and I told everyone in my family as well.
Please don't be upset with your last words to her, trust me, she knew how you really feel, and what was really important.
At the age of 42 I haven't had a spouse and have only ever had one girlfriend. I have loved many times and loved deeply each time. I hurt so badly after my only relationship ended, that I shut myself off for 16 years from trying to find anyone again. But I finally did open myself up to the possibility, and I have spent the last 5 years trying to win her heart. We've gone through quite a lot in those 5 years, but we have both grown through those experiences, and I have hope once again.
It will take a long time, but the pain will lessen. You need time to grieve, and time to heal.
Feel free to PM me if you wish. Venting and talking is a good thing, to help one through these times.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary Frye (1932)
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.
When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Wilbur Skeels (1996)
She will always be with you, and would want you to live on in a happy and full life.
Here is another short saying that I like to remind my self of when I am feeling down. Remember this one for later on.
. Dance like no ones watching, live like there’s no tomorrow and love like you’ve never been hurt.
We're here for you.
Ramplate
03/22/2003, 16:26
Actually, if playing chess and talking with other people will help when you need some company, you can go to:
www.pogo.com
They have chess and other games for people to play vs one another, and a chat system as well.
Just trying to help.
shin-goji
03/22/2003, 16:29
I lost my mother to cancer when she was only 50, but she had a full life and raised two kids [one being me] with my dad. There is not one #### thing I can say to you that will help you deal with this pain. But I can tell you that it will pass if you let it.
KaiserSelroc
03/22/2003, 16:31
"Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?"
I'm very sorry for you're loss. I know how you feel. I lost my fiance 6 months from our wedding. She was killed by a drunk driver while leaving early for work. We were both only 22.
You sound much like I did then. The grief is horrible, but if you take anything I say to heart please let it be this. Let go of the Anger. The grief is natural and there is nothing that will ease it but time. But I let the anger fester and it twisted my personality for years after. I had old friends that I almost alieneated with many of my actions. As stupid as this sounds it is all to easy to become arrogant about your pain until you begin to loose the abillity to empathise with others. I would here friends complain about girlfriends, ect. and absolutly explode on them about how they didn't understand how stupid they were and how unimportant petty sqabbles were. At bars I got into too many fights to count when I saw obviously drunk people trying to drive. And if you do drink I'd recommnd that after the first week you fight the urge to do it to excess. It only makes things feel worse.
Will the hurting get better? Yes it will. Will it go away? No probably not. In a few months it will be 10 years since Suzy died in that stupid car accident. I have a happy life and have been married to my wife for 4 years, but I still remember and feel sad when I think of Suzy.
Tarnish
jedigeof
03/22/2003, 18:00
Ten years ago my bestfriend of fiveteen years was murdered by another freiend. We spent many afternoons playing the marvel roleplaying game. I know he would have loved this game very much. His favorite character was Nightcrawler. I'm convinced he had something to do with the last minute change to unique. If I ever pull another one It will be buried along side him. I'll probally sob like a baby at X-Men 2. The pain is never forgotten. At least once a day I think of him. I think of all that he has missed, and all that we never got to share. Until we play again...
R.I.P.
PAW
jedigeof
03/22/2003, 18:03
I'm sorry for your loss
Than you all very much again. That was a great poem. and that saying? I have seen it before, and I do try to live that way. god #### drunk drivers anyway! I think it should be summary exacution by the side of the road for those people....... animals. anyone wanna try and play an online forum game with me? I can't just sit here anymore.
If it will really make you feel better, I guess I can fit in a quick game. How would you want to play (AIM/by forums/etc.)?
darius_dax1
03/22/2003, 20:40
I have lost relatives before. That in itself is a horrible thing. But I also recently lost someone to cancer. He was my mentor, employer,and most importantly my friend. I can't imagine the loss you are feeling right now because losing a mate has to be the worst, especially at that young age.
You have my thoughts and prayers in this time of grieving.
Dave
freakazoid_x
03/22/2003, 20:58
Random, buddy, and I call you buddy because I want you to know I'm here for you, I feel your pain. I too have recently experienced loss.
I am a young man of 21 years. I have ahd a few girlfriends, nothing serious. I am the youngest boy in my family and the youngest for some reason is very special to the mother. I don't want to sound gay or anything, but me and my mom were really good friends.
Less than a month ago my mom passed away. She had been sick for a year and I had moved back home to help care for her. The fact she was sick for so long doesn't really help me deal with the loss.
Anyway, nearing the one month aniversary I have been through despair and sorrow. I'm still pretty bad, but I am starting to turn the corner. I say this because I know you will too. It will gradually start hurting less. Just do your best to do what she would want you to be doing. I'm here for you as are we all.
Persevere, it'll be hard, but like I keep saying it'll get easier.
thanks freak, and I am sorry to hear about your pain as well. I guess we all lose someone eventually. guess this is so hard for me cause in 30+ years, I have never lost anyone. Guess this is god's way of saying my good luck is running out.
Retardog
03/22/2003, 21:28
My condolences Random...this is such a messed up thing to happen to such a young person...
One of my friends lost his girlfriend/soon to be fiance last summer to breast cancer. She had just turned 20.
Now would be a good time to be with friends. They're there for you and will be more than happy to help you with whatever you need. I know nothing can compare to being with the one you love most.
I don't even know how to end this...I'm sorry, man.
]V[GoldEagle
03/22/2003, 21:33
Random,
Though I have never talked with you, or been involved in a forum posting with you, I want to send to you my deepest sympathies, and my hopes that you are doing alright. Well, let me say doing as best as you can. I can relate in a way, not with a spouse though, but with far to many family members and friends. The pain will be with you, but when you surround yourself with friends, and loved ones, you eventually remember how to laugh, and to enjoy life again.
You picked the right place to post your message, and don't let anyone, or any thought in your head make you think otherwise. When a game comes out, and a community starts up to discuss, argue, and debate it..it changes. It's not just a community, but an online family. When you feel pain, your brother and sister clixers will be there for you, and try to help you through. Online families/communities are strong, and are a great place to talk to people during a time of grief. It helped me at one time, so I'm hoping that this will help you. I don't stay at the site long, but if you ever need someone to just growl at through a PM, please sir, feel free. Be well, and may laughter and smiles return to you.
I know this may seem kind of irrelevant coming from some you have never seen or spoke too but I *really* feel for you and and sending karmic good vibes out to you. I lost my dad pretty much a year ago today and the sentaments stated from you ring home a lot of truths. The last thing I said to my dad (a man who I didnt get on with too well due to me being socially different even though he looked out for me and cared in a big way) was life is about learning mainly due to the fact that I was told by him life was about survival and I disagreed. It took me a long time to get this sentament across to him and when I did, he went, but finally understood what I was about.
This whole incident made me get into spiritualism and has took me on some profoundly educational paths and made me twice the man I was then (being only 21 myself.) What I am trying to say is that even though it is hard to accept what has happened to you at the moment and even though you will go through an extreme amount of grieving you will become stronger at the end of it, and nothing will take her influence and love away from you. She will always be watching you and with you in whatever you do. Dont think the last words you said to her will tar her opinions of you for all the time you have been together, that is the part she will remember, not the sour times and I promise you there is an afterlife, there is something after this mortal coil.
All I am trying to say is that I promise you she is out there somewhere smiling at you, willing you to go on the paths of evolution that you have to until you eventually meet back up with her and still loves you as much as she did at the best times.
Feel free to drop me a PM any time if you wannna talk I'll be next to you, i'm very sorry if this has upset you in any way i'm only trying to give you my experience of this situation.
Love and light, Pot.
Random,
I tend to be a very private person. I'll speak on my political views (and loudly), but personal things are hard for me to share. However, I would like to share what I've learned through a similar situation.
I'm only 18 and I learned the biggest lesson of my life just a few years ago. My best friend shot himself when he was 14 (I was only 15). That same year I had family die of cancer and friends die of cancer. This is what I learned:
Every day we're given choices. Once in awhile we're given extraordinary choices - decisions that will change us forever. You're in one of those moments, just as I was (and am now). Whatever you decide to do from now on will either lead you to regret years of your life or allow you to be satisfied in knowing that you used your experiences to help others.
Back when I was fifteen I had to decide what I was going to do: would I abandon hope or would I grow, despite (and maybe because of) the pain? I decided that because I had experienced so much pain, I became able to feel compassion at a level I'd never felt before. That led me to get involved in a suicide prevention program on my college campus.
At this point in what is rapidly becoming a speech, I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say. As cheesy as it sounds, I guess I'm saying, "Grow from your experiences, and never forget them. You have an opportunity to change people's lives (yours included) if you choose to, as impossible as everything seems right now. Love is always a risk, but it's always a risk worth taking. You'll make it, bud."
And now for the ultimate cliche'...a...song...
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
jedigeof
03/23/2003, 16:52
I to lost a good friend to a drunk driver when I was ten. A ten yearold should never have to carry a coffin. 23 years later I still remember playing with our super Hero dolls. Our afternoon was cut short for an out of state wedding. Iron Man is still waiting for the Falcon to come home. This thread really brought up some stuff I don't think I have ever delt with. Thanks for sharing, remember it helps to talk about it. Potguns I liked what you had to say, though I hate your name. My best friend was shot to death over 15$ of weed. LuckyJ your wisdom is beyond your years.
There is very little I can add, Random.
The closest I have come to this personaly was the loss of my father, and the loss of a 21 year old member of my gaming group, both to cancer.
If I lost my partner, I don't know what I'd do, which I guess is the point.
I'd read your post when it first went up, and have been at a loss as to what to say, as self evidantly, nothing could help. All I can do is say that I am here, and grieving with you.
However, I am praying for you in your loss and grief. It is interesting how many have said "I don't know you, but..." - as, in a sense, those of us who communicate about more than the Game on the site are actualy getting to know one another with less of the "background noise" that normal life throws up.
As I said, all I can do is pray, and I will.
As always,
All the Best,
Noman
EmperorNorton
03/23/2003, 17:20
Random,
I know we had our differences in the recent past, so I don't know if this means anything to you, but I want to express my sympathy. I know how it feels when you lose a loved one.
EmperorNorton
Spidersense
03/23/2003, 20:10
Hey Random,
I dont think I have ever responded to one of you replies, but this one struck me.
I can sympathize as I lost my mother tragically and suddenly back in August. She had a servant's heart like no one else i have ever known.
It still hurts and I cant hear bagpipes without crying, but I am actually glad that happens. I want to remember her. I have a faith in Jesus which has helped me get through it and if you want any detail on my thoughts, please PM me, I dont want to presume on you.
One thing I learned about mourning is that as time goes on, you dont "get over it", you instead learn how to handle it. You will be able to love again and these intense feelings will pass as well. We all deal with things in different ways and if you want to yell at God, go right ahead, he wants you to and He can handle it. Dont hold back any emotion, and there is no specific amount of time that it takes to mourn.
I am very very sorry for your loss and you will be in my prayers in the coming days hoping that you have peace in your heart over time.
Kyle
ShadowRaven
03/23/2003, 21:36
I don't know how you, but I can say I feel for your loss, and that in time that wound will heal.
those peoms say alot and any one that says otherwise is oblivious to what they speak.
thats all I have to say.
So, here is is, Monday. I was trying to play a game with Jofo onliv=ne the other night, and couldn
t finish, I just disapeared. sorry bout that Jofo.
TRo all of you who have offered my words of comfort and condolences, thanks you. I am obviously still alive, and i guess that's something. haven't slept well though
just continuing to ramble... so here I am. Visitation is tommorow. How will I handle THAT? hek, I was sitting in the apartment and had to take down all the pictures of us, cause I kept crying everytime I would glance one. Her twin sister came over to see how I was doing, and OH MY GOD! Talk about a sureal feeling. How do you look into the face of someone no longer there, have a conversation with them, touch them ( a hug) and not freak?
Originally posted by Random
So, here is is, Monday. I was trying to play a game with Jofo onliv=ne the other night, and couldn
t finish, I just disapeared. sorry bout that Jofo.
Hey, no problem. I figured it would be hard to concentrate on a game when you're so sad. I really wasn't that surprised when you disappeared. Atleast I was able to keep you occupied for a bit. :)
Felicitations.
GoldenAge
03/24/2003, 16:13
From the very deepest parts of my being I offer my condolences to you Random.
Search for joy in the time you spent with her, hold your fondest memories close to your heart. Keep in you the knowledge that she did and always will love you. As will we all.
- Edd
jedigeof
03/24/2003, 17:12
I to am a twin there is no stronger bond on earth. Her sister is gonna need alot of suport. The two of you can draw from each other for strength. My twin brother just got a DUI and all I could do was yell at him & remind him that 23 years ago he carried the results of a drunk driver. If I lost him I don't know if I could go on. I know that does not help. I think I'll make him read this thread. Tomorrow will be the hardest day of your life know that we will all be praying for you. Please find strength in the fact that you have a large suport group if you need it.
Funky Jett
03/24/2003, 17:30
Originally posted by Random
just continuing to ramble... so here I am. Visitation is tommorow. How will I handle THAT?
I can only speak to what I've gone through myself. I spoke of my friend's death in the 'medicinal pot' thread. Some people scoffed at me for that, but what the hell. My friend and I were baptised together. And suddenly he was dead.
The only thing I could remember at the viewing was, he didn't look real. He looked like a wax statue like in Madame Tussaud's. It wasn't until later when I was talking to his surviving brothers and sisters, that I finally lost it. Just remember, it's ok to let loose with your emotions. They are YOUR emotions and no one else can tell you how you should feel. Just make sure you go to the viewing. That is an important step in the grieving process.
My wife lost her mother and BOTH grandmothers in a 10 day period. It took her almost two years to recover from those losses. And she is a nurse and used to work on the cancer floor at a hospital. Although she was used to seeing death, she wasn't prepared when it hit so close to home. Not many people are.
Here are some books that might help you. The first one looks to be pretty much on target with your situation. I hope you can find peace. I an truly sorry for your loss.
Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0877939322/ref=pd_sim_books_2/002-4907879-0323257?v=glance&s=books)
When There Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope With Loss and Grief (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0934793573/ref=pd_sim_books_1/002-4907879-0323257?v=glance&s=books)
How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553352695/ref=pd_sim_books_3/002-4907879-0323257?v=glance&s=books)
Drop me a line whenever you feel like talking/yelling/crying. I can listen.
[email protected]
Thanks, Funky.
You know, alot of you people have said and told me some pretty nice things. and it is nice to know that there are strangers out there who care enough to try and help me.
Wanna know why I am on this board today, and not balling my eyes out? it's the sig lines of users. some of the funniest stuff in the world is in peoples sig lines. Thanks again.
And there is NO WAY on earth in heaven or hell that I wuld miss the visitation. I know it will be hard, but I must be there. I could not let her go without seeing her again. No way. no how. not that I will ever be able to let go, for real.
I_Blame_You
03/25/2003, 10:52
Random: I won't try to come up with words to make you feel better, it wouldn't work.
You may, or may not, believe in the power of prayer, but I do. I will be praying for you and for al those who knew and, no doubt, loved Becky.
PommesMann
03/25/2003, 10:58
I am truly sorry for you.
Originally posted by Funky Jett
Just remember, it's ok to let loose with your emotions. They are YOUR emotions and no one else can tell you how you should feel.
I think thats really the most important part of it. That's what my psychotherapist tells me every week. I didn't when I lost my first girlfriend to a bus accident. I was only 15 then. She moved away to Berlin, and we continued to write us letters. She was always fast with writing, and I got an answer to my letters barely 5 days after I send them. One day, she
stopped writing. I phoned her parents after a week. She was run over by a bus while riding her bike.
I haven't remebered this quite in a while, and I have to thank you, Random, for sharing your grief with us.
I will go to therapy tomorrow and talk about my girlfriend.
And I think your story makes me do it.
Thanks
well, I'm off to the visitation. thanks again for everything everyone.
Funky Jett
03/26/2003, 16:26
Doing ok today, buddy?
surviving thanks. went and bought a #### load of xplosion. just trying to distract myself. didn't work
jcastick
03/26/2003, 17:05
Random, man, what can be said that hasn't already been said.......
First of all, my deepest condolences to you.....
This is one of the hardest things ANYONE has ot ever go through in their life.....
I myself have been through this situation FAR too many times...... 2 great grandparents, 3 grand-parents, 2 Uncles, 3 aunts, and 4 friends of my family..........
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, yet it is truly far worse since it being the one you love most.
And to be honest, I think you releasing your feelings here on the forum was a great thing for you to do.
Not only did it allow you to get out alot of feelings that would have gotten bottled up inside, and just made things worse, BUT...you have a ton of support here, Many many people to talk to, and help you get through this!
I know i am basically a complete stranger to you, but honestly, when someone goes through something like this,
it is good to have people around, and i do hope i can be of SOME kind of help to you, in anyway you may need.
Stay strong, things will be ok.
And remember, the worst thing you can ever do is not remember her, sure looking at photos may hurt for a while, but those photos are there to help you remember all of the wonderful times you and her have had, always think about her, and she will be there to make you feel better.
I hope my words are some small bit of help to you......
Boy, I wasn't prepared for this thread. It just hit me in the gut when I read that first message. Then the twin thing... (I too am a twin).
I can't believe I'm getting so emotional.
My friends wife doesn't like when we say "I killed your clix!" She get's sad that they're dead. We said, "No, they're not dead! They're just KOed! See? It says so right there!"
Now we have little stretchers and a Medivac Helicopter for them. It makes her feel better.
I had a point, but I don't remember what it was. Draw your own conclusions.
And, Random, if you could, give her sister a hug from me.
PantherPriest
03/26/2003, 17:20
The panther knows death. You are a good man, Random.
I shall pray for you
okiedokie
03/26/2003, 17:27
Random,
First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we gripe so much about something wrong with this game and it takes a post like yours (and everyone else's here) to snap us back to reality.
There is nothing I can say that will completely soothe the pain. I lost my father about 13 years ago. I was 30 and he died of a ruptured aorta while I was driving him to the hospital. I just wanted to let you know some things that you can expect over the next few years.
**There were times I expected Dad to walk through the door.
**I dialed mom's phone number because I was going to ask Dad something.
**11 years after he died, I heard a radio ad for a concert he would have enjoyed. I thought about buying some tickets for him and then I remembered...
**I have dreams about him from time to time that are way too real.
**This pain will allow you to help others that will go through this same thing, but that never makes it easier.
I always think about something my son said at the service. He was 7 at the time and said, " I may forget Grandpa is dead, but I'll never forget him."
I think that about sums it up.
Keep posting, we'll keep listening.
Valandar
03/26/2003, 17:36
I have just sat down and read the rest of this thread, having only seen the first page previously.
Random, I salute you. You have shown hints of a strength that will help you perservere in the face of your loss.
And I think that the number of people who have shown their support for you in the past few days speaks well of this community. We are willing to take time away from whatever the heck we are doing to speak out, in an attempt to assist someone we only know by a pseudonym.
Perhaps many of us can meet at, say, Dragon Con this year... then perhaps it will not be strangers trying to help each other through such tough times, it will be friends.
My deepest sympathy goes out to Random and all of you who have lost people close to you.
I'm a rather manly man and really don't cry much but this thread has tears flowing from my eyes. I couldn't imagine losing a parent or brother or my wife. I've been lucky so far and haven't really lost anyone close to me. I'm 23 now and dread the day that I do. I hope I can find as much strength as many of you here have shown.
quixotequest
03/26/2003, 17:51
As a person carrying pain myself--I've lost at least one person close to me every year for the past five years--please forgive a bit of levity:
"Life is pain... and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."
--Dread Pirate Roberts
I've come to consider that peace isn't found in a life free of pain, but rather living well in spite of it. Forgive the moralizing...can you tell I spent a chunk of my life living in Japan? My sympathies to all in pain and mourning.:cry:
I too, would like to extend my sympathies to you Random. :( My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your families.
Random,
For your health try and take up something where you can express yourself and mend yourself. Maybe painting. Or poetry. Or listen to some music. Or make some music. Basically anything to make the days pass a little smoother and give your soul an outlet to help it heal. This is all very sad and I hope you find some peace.
Stay strong bro...
onew0rd
]V[GoldEagle
03/26/2003, 23:44
Random,
Make sure you do let your emotions out, and don't try to hold them in. When my Father passed away, I was trying to be the strong one for my Mom and brother. About 3 months after it had happened, it all finally hit me. 2 trips to the ER thinking I was about to die of a heart attack (what killed Dad), and now on 2 years of having to take meds to sleep, and meds to step out the front door. Let the emotions out, and don't try to bottle them up and control them. They will bite you in the rear quarters if you do. Hope you are doing as well as you can during this time man, and keep her in your thoughts. She will be forever there, and therefore a part of her will always be alive. Be well....
Originally posted by quixotequest
"Life is pain... and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."
--Dread Pirate Roberts
:
We used to watch that movie all the time. Thanks for posting that. made me smile. I used to tease alot that if we ever had a son, we should name him Inygo Montoya.
Thanks again everyone. I KNOW that somewhere, Rebecca watched me open my xplosion yesterday, and was hoping for me to pull something really great. Got my veteran Taskmaster, caught myself almost turn around to show her what a cool fig it was. She would have smiled, nodded and told me how wonderfull it was, ( even though she had no real clue at all about the game) Made me miss her alot.
I sure hope that I do someday get to meet some of you. Been a big help. all of ya.
wrote this yesterday......
Forever you will be in my heart.
Forever, I knew that from the start.
Forever I will love you.
Forever, 'cause this love was so true.
Forever you will be in my dreams.
Forever, do you know what that means?
Forever there will be sorrow in my heart.
Forever, 'cause forever we will be apart.
Forever you will see a tear in my eye.
Forever, 'cause this love will never die.
Forever I will be thinking of you.
Forever, for this dream will never come true.
Forever you'll be a part of me.
Forever, 'cause you are the one and only for me.
Forever this heart will beat for you.
And when it stops Forever, my final dream will come through.
Then I'll be Forever with you my dear.
Forever I'll be near...
Ramplate
03/27/2003, 09:47
Hey, that's a beautiful poem, man.:classic: Good constructive outlet for those feelings.
It's very true about what okiedokie was saying and what you experienced when you opened your new clix. There are those times that there's something you wish you could ask of, or share with that special person who isn't physically there.
I went through the same thing with my father quite often for quite a while. And I believe they do experience those moments with us. I believe that those who are closest to us often act as guardian angels. I know I have several watching over me, I've not only felt them, but my sister has as well.
They do speak to you at times if you pay attention - in that sudden brilliant and or strong thought that suddenly pops into your head, in quiet moments of reflection, and especially in dreams.
I've had several dreams over the years where my father showed up, and usually had something important to say, or to represent. I've learned to write down the dreams I can remember and try to study them. Most of the ones with our loved ones in them, do seem to have a message for us.
A_Higher_Level
03/27/2003, 10:32
Well, the whole purpose of a community is that like minded individuals, who share a common love for something, can come together and pass time with one another. It's nice that so many people can empathize with your loss. It sorta makes up for those times in life that you are mad at the people in the world cause some bastard shoots a friend of yours in a failed robbery attempt who just happened to be working that night, or that drunk driver that runs a red light and kills your highschool buddy. The world is filled with interesting emotions and experiences and the wonderful part is that nothing lasts forever. Happiness, joy, pain, and saddness will all pass in time, leaving you with realization that nothing lasts forever, and to live life to the fullest.
Many people constantly work long 12 hour days, trying to get that promotion. Others stay in abusive homes cause they see no way out. We... Well, we play with little miniatures that go click simply cause it brings us joy. Things don't have to be complicated unless you make them so. As short as her time was on earth, you at least got to share your life with her for a few years. Others didn't even have that long. And still many have never even had the priviledge of seeing her smile.
In a way I see it like the recently lost R&B singer Aaliyah. She died young and it was definitely a sad time. But the only reason it was sad is because we knew her well enough to know she brought us joy. And for that, we should always appreciate any amount of time we had her for.
damiller
03/27/2003, 10:39
Well
we all have pain.
CS LEWIS said it best:
"Pain is God's megaphone."
It wakes us up, and makes us realize something is not quite right. You can ignore pleasure, but never pain.
And something is not quite right, nope.
d
Originally posted by damiller
And something is not quite right, nope.
d
You can say that again.
Each of the past three years, I've lost someone close to me in my family (and, it's always been on either Christmas or Thanksgiving).
I kind of have come to look at it this way: Pain is life's way of honing pleasure.
You see, we take a lot of things for granted. Food. Money. People.
But it is rare that we realize that we've had a good thing in our lives until it is no longer there. We're quick to ignore the pleasure that others give us. The kindnesses they show. The little things that they do each day.
Quick to ignore them, until they're no longer there.
Pain is the element that draws out all of the best memories that we've shared with someone (or something), brings them to the forefront, and eventually burns away all of the bad things so that whenever we think of the person we've lost all that we remember is the good.
Something else to keep in mind, Random, is that you haven't lost her at all.
She's not physically with you anymore. You can't see her anymore. But you'll never lose her. And she'll never leave you.
See ... she's changed who you are. She's changed how you think about things, and she's changed your life. You'll carry her with you forever.
And that's a good thing.
I am sorry for your loss. I'm not a counselor, I'm not a therapist, but I am a firm believer in the healing power of Jesus Christ. After everyone is done rolling their eyes, I want to tell you a few things that may offer a glimmer of hope.
Your sadness is ok! The shortest verse in the Bible comes when Jesus finds out that His good friend Lazarus has died. Even knowing that He had the power to resurrect the dead, John 11:35 says, "Jesus wept." He grieved, but He didn't give up hope. We should all know the outcome of this story. Being deeply moved, Jesus continued to the grave, and commanded Lazarus back to life! Keep seeking that light at the end of the tunnel.
Death is not the end, as many seem bent on believing. This is one of God's main messages to us in the Bible: not only does our Creator love us unconditionally, but He has made provision for ultimate victory over death. 1st Corinthians 15:54-55 says, "When this happens--when our perishable earthly bodies have been transformed into heavenly bodies that will never die-- then at last the Scriptures will come true: DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"
If you know Jesus, then death's blow is impotent to you. The book of Ephesians talks about wearing the 'Armor of God', and one of those pieces is called the 'Helmet of Salvation'. Assurance of your eternal destination reduces death to splinters. Don't be like Job's wife when she tells Job to, "Curse God and die!" But remeber the most famous of all Bible verses, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life!"
I am praying for you in your time of trouble, my friend.
Mahebb.
Thanks. Without getting to much into beliefs, I KNOW death is not the end. but it is the end HERE and NOW, and maybe I am weak, but knowledge of eternal life is no comfort when I am alone at night, or when I will want to go to the movies, or dancing, or just for a walk.
I am selfish that way I guess.
But again, I DO appriciate you words. Thanks
okiedokie
03/27/2003, 13:06
Random,
Don't consider yourself weak. The grief we feel when a person dies is almost always grief for what WE have lost. There is no shame in that and it is not selfish to feel that way.
I would encourage you to talk to other folks that knew Becky. After my Dad passed away, it was a great help to me to hear other people's memories of him. It helped me remember so many aspects of his personality that I had forgotten and I also realized how many people he had touched and how many lives he had changed in ways I never considered.
Becky changed your life, and by telling us about her and your feelings for her, you have changed our lives. Hopefully some folks will more fully appreciate what they have, some will patch up broken relationships, some will go back and remember loved ones that they have lost. So, Random, you and Becky have helped and changed a lot of people through this loss.
Isn't it amazing that all of this support is because of a common interest in hunks of plastic? Actually, it's because we're all human.
We're praying for ya, Random. Let us know if we can do anything else.
Vicious Bomber
03/27/2003, 13:24
hey there Random. I have to say you are much stronger man than me.
right now my fiance is in FT. Carson preparing to go to war in the middle east. She joined the reserves to get through school. So right now I come home to an empty house, and wonder what is going on with her. Now all this leads to thoughts of what may happen to her. None of them are pretty. I cant imagine my life remaining the way it is now.
I feel for you man. I really do. i cant imagine my world without her, and I cant imagine what it feels like for you. I hope you stay strong, because I know It would break me into little pieces.
I think you are a very brave person to your loss out on your sleeve, and share it with us. I hope you carry that bravery on, and continue in all your endvours.
Richard
Ramplate
03/27/2003, 13:49
It is the tragedies in life that build character and ultimately make us stronger people.
Its not selfish to miss someone, the enjoyment of doing things together was both of yours.
Logan Myrddin
03/27/2003, 14:13
Man, Random. I'm sorry. That sucks. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better. Aw, Hell. Listen to me. I've never even spoken to you, even on HCRealms... but I REALLY hope you're okay, man. I hate it when this kind of thing happens. Man. There's not a ####ed thing I can say, is there? I'm sorry, Random.
GoldenAge
03/27/2003, 14:55
Becky changed your life, and by telling us about her and your feelings for her, you have changed our lives.
I agree. By sharing your grief through a healthy forum you've enhanced my view of many things. I appreciate my wife more, tell her I love her more... You've opened my eyes.
I also feel closer to this community. Reading the heartfelt messages here has given me renewed admiration for people in general.
Even in the midst of your tragedy you've enhanced our lives.
Thank you.
We are thinking of you.
Well, I guess it's that time. Layed awake all night. ( well, slept pretty fitfully) Funeral is done and over with. saw her for the last time, and ya know, while it did look like her, it didn't. Even still, that was the last time that I will ever get a chance to touch her. What to do now? Well, I guess now I won't ever have to listen to hip hop or R&B again at least. ( ha-ha) right, like even I thought that was funny. That was the one thing we NEVER agreed on. Music. She liked that bumping thumping crud REFERED to as music. I am more of a rock guy myself, and it was a constant battle over the radio. Heck, that was almost the end of our lives together before it had a chance to start, cause I would ALWAY'S change the station. irked her to no end.
Her Twin came by again last night, and we sat and cried together and watched the sound of music. ( Becky's fav) Lord hopw I have never liked that movie either, but she put up with me watching each of the Star Wars movies at least every other week, so I watched sound of music. Not sure if I'll ever be able to see it again either.
can someone tell me, what is life without love? What are dreams with no hope? People say we will be joined again someday, and I even believe that. But WHEN? and people tell me that I will move on some day. What if I don't want to? I am 30, as said before, but to me dating again someday, even years from now, will feel like cheating on her to me. It's not as though we broke up, or we were unhappy with each other, so tha I could feel free to find someone else, she's just GONE.
Guess that's enough for today.( or at least for 6 in the AM)
WakandaMan
03/28/2003, 08:44
Random man, I was coping okay reading this thread until I got to your "Forever" poem, and then I feel apart. It was truly beautiful. Thankyou for sharing your heart with us.
I know what you mean about "It was her but it wasn't". I had the same feeling when my nan died last year and I got to see her. Strange isn't it? I guess..it's just the physical shell after all... the real person is something inside.
My deepest sympathies to you and yours. I hate that these things happen, but it's the messed up world we live in.
What is life without love? It is lonely, but it is still life. But rest assured- your life is not without love. You have the love of family and friends, and clearly, the love of the HCrealms community. Even the love of God, who I know probably seems so unfair, unjust and cruel to you at the moment...but He is taking care of her now. I know...it's not the kind of love you meant- but it IS love, in a very real way.
You want to know why she has gone on and you have been left here? The answer is that you have still much to do in this life. What that is, who can say, but you would not still be here if it wasn't the case.
As to the hope of you moving on- do not be concerned about it. Perhaps you will- but perhaps you won't. It is not something you even need to consider now. She is the love of your life, and if that ever remains so then you may never seek another. That is a beautiful and noble attitude. And if you EVER do move on- it will be with her approval.
My prayers are truly with you. I hope this has helped some, and you are welcome to PM or e-mail me if you would like. Times like these highlight the truly important things in life- and it's not how many uniques one has- it's people.
Take Care all, and God Bless.
Troy
ya know, I've played this game for a while now, and had NEVER won a tournament before. I went and played in one yesterday, expecting to get wipped pretty bad. Seemed like NOTHING could go wrong. all my dice rools were great, all my opponents seemd to forget how to use thier characters. I took first, and smiled. Gotta believe after all that has happened, somewhere, somehow, SHE helped me out.
]V[GoldEagle
03/31/2003, 15:55
Seems that you had an angel on your shoulder Random. Fitting, that you were able to win your first tourny now of all times. I guess Becky wanted you to have some pleasure and joy at this time. Glad to hear you won one for not only you, but for her too.
Take care man, and try to keep that smile you found on your face.
rabidroadkill
03/31/2003, 16:16
Man, now I actually feel bad for not getting online last week during my Spring Break, just to give you my condolences.
My wife's uncle was murdered last week so we were gone quite a bit. Theres not much else here that I could say that has not been said already. All I can say is again that I am sorry.
**Also, thanks to all, as with my families loss this week, lots that you have said to Random has carried over to me and it really is warming to know that all these people online can be united and give sincere feelings from some plastic figures**
If I can bring you a little joy at whipping my butt online later in the week I will be glad to ;)
jedigeof
03/31/2003, 18:34
That pretty much confirms what I think everyone has said or thought. She will always be with you. You will see her again. Until then live life for the both of you. Honor her memeory by living life to its fullest. She would(does) want you to be happy. She'll always be apart of you. Theres not a day goes by that I don't talk to my spirit guides. It's really cool when they answer your prayers.
anyone got any good sleeping pills? still only getting about 2 hours a night sleep. though the DAY'S are getting easier. got a little of my sense of humor back anyway.
PantherPriest
04/08/2003, 17:10
I don't remember any specific names, but natural pills work the best.
well, just an update for those of you who wrote to me. Still hurts, but as you can see, I have survived and carried on. Sleping a bit better now, and getting on with trying to enjoy life. Thanks again for all the kind words. You all helped me alot, and whenever I get to feeling down, this thread is the place I come to. It helps alot.
Thanks Again
OH! special Thanks to Shin-goji and TKT! made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
At least you had someone that has loved you...I am 30 and no one has ever loved me that was not related to me...
uroboros
05/02/2003, 11:58
Bane, I love you. :)
Basil Elks
05/02/2003, 12:00
In love everyone!! :grin: I can make monkey's laugh, at least I think they're laughing, either that, or they're plotting to eat me, either or, I'll go down surrounded by monkey's. :laugh:
WOW Bane! you can't possibly be serious! and if you are, just wait, they are out there
Basil, as self-appointed leader of all monkeys, I can tell you for certain that it is the latter of your suspicions. They are planning to eat you, just as soon as I buy the barbecue supplies ...
Basil Elks
05/02/2003, 13:00
You better buy Bull's Eye brand BBQ sauce, I won't baste in an other brand!! Welllll, MAYBE A-1, or HP, but I prefer Bull's Eye. ;)
Bull's Eye it is then. Send in the gibbons!
Basil Elks
05/02/2003, 13:43
GIBBONS!?!?!?!?!?! dammit, I wanted chimps.
GoldenAge
05/02/2003, 13:44
Hey Random,
Who are these "THEY" you're talking about? Sounds kinda creepy.
BTW: You helped alot of us out too. Best to you and thanks for letting us be a part of your life.
DaLuvster89
05/02/2003, 15:01
Random,
I just ran into this thread today - sorry that I missed the earliest opportunity to give my condolences. I've been lucky enough to have only lost one person who was really close to me - my Grandfather. I'd go into detail, but it just doen't compare to what you are going through. Just know that my thoughts are with you. It's good to see that you are getting back to your old self a bit. Just don't rush - grieve as long as you need to. Stay strong, man. And congrats on your first tourney win! I'm sure that Becky did have something to do with that - she probubly just wanted to see you smile. :)
Basil Elks
05/02/2003, 15:23
(as I'm being eaten by monkey's) good *ow* luck with your *ow* uh... *ow* whatever your *ow* doing. (the monkey's take their final bites) *dies* :speechles :sleep:
jcastick
05/03/2003, 00:59
Random, its good to see that your spirits have somewhat gotten better.....
It's a rough thing to go through, but it is good to hear that you can come to a place like this, and feel alittle better.....
We are all here for you!!
Originally posted by GoldenAge
Hey Random,
Who are these "THEY" you're talking about? Sounds kinda creepy.
.
oh, YOU know who "they" are. and you are right! "they are kinda creepy. ( if you aibn't afraid of women in some way or the other, you're just plain CRAZY!
Hi all, well it's been almost seven months, and I haven't really been on these boards much. Heck, most of the people I used to talk to on here are long gone. Just wanted to let those of you who remember me know that I am still around, and still playing HC. ( I've also added Mechwarrior)
Also, for Shin-Goji Thanks for neomonsterisland and Ultimate Hero-Lix. They have both brought me a tone of laughs, especially your Kinko's comments, as both Becky and i worked there when we met. ( I also love the occasional Suicidal Tendencies references.)
Thanks again all, don't know where I'd be without you guy's
Manchine
10/17/2003, 00:23
Hopefully we will see you around more often.
Nice to have you back.
GoldenAge
10/17/2003, 12:25
I too look forward to hearing more from you! Hope things are well.
jedigeof
10/17/2003, 15:31
Good to see you're still clixen.
"I also love the occasional Suicidal Tendencies references."
"How will I laugh" Got me through some pretty dark times. I think one of my fondest concert memories was standing on a small bar table in downtown Detriot screaming back at Mike "ST". Man that was half my life ago. Who ever said 80's music sucked wasn't listening to mine.
Funky Jett
10/17/2003, 15:52
Welcome back to the boards. Some of us old people remember you still and we're glad you are getting along.
Ramplate
10/17/2003, 15:59
Good to hear from you.:cool:
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