View Full Version : "The Brain vs. The current Teen Titans!!!"- a humourous fic in script form
Okay, this is going to be good. I've been writing this in my head for a month. Classic.
"The Brain vs. the current Teen Titans!!!" by zaurial
(Kid Flash is running around the room making breakfast at hyperspeed. Beast Boy, in ever-popular monkey form, is eating a banana and sitting on the counter.)
Kid Flash: Ha! Told ya I could make french toast in less than a minute! You owe me a pizza.
Beast Boy: Dang... double or nothing on the eggs Benadict?
Kid Flash: You're on! (he runs into the pantry. Beast Boy turns normal, grabs a slice of french toast, turns into small bird form, and flies out of the room. Kid Flash runs back in with some eggs, failing to notice Beast Boy's departure. The doorbell rings. Kid Flash runs to answer it.)
KF: When did we get a doorbell?
(He opens the door and sees no one)
KF: Hello? Hello? Aw, screw it. We're on a private island, they couldn't have gone-
Voice from below: Hey!
(Kid Flash looks down. It's the Brain, without his companion Monsuir Mallah.)
Brain: Um... hi.
(Kid Flash looks at him bug-eyed. He looks outside, looking around to make sure no one's there, then collapses in a heavy sigh.)
KF: Carp... CYBORG?
Brain: Whoa, whoa, don't call Cyborg! I just need a place to crash.
KF: You're the Brain, right? The hyper-intellegent brain-in-a-tube that's always with that monkey? Where's he?
Brain: Oh, Mallah kicked me out of the apart-... ah... the abandoned Scottish Castle. I was a few months back on the rent.
KF: Arn't you, like, a super villain?
Brain: Yes, yes, yes, just finished a poorly oporated weapons trafficing buisness. Can I come in?
KF: Wait for it to clear past Rusty first.
Cyborg (off): Who's Rusty?
KF (suddenly nervous): Ah... Star...Fire. Probably. I'm... uh... gonna go... place. (He whizzes off.)
Cyborg: (noticing Brain on the porch) Alright, where's Mallah?
Brain: No Mallah.
Cyborg: Where's the rest of the Brotherood of Evil?
Brain: No Brotherhood.
Cyborg (looking around outside, like Kid Flash): Alright, come inside. But don't let Starfire see you.
Brain: Deal. Just give me a fish tank or something to sleep in.
Cyborg: We might have something old that Garth had...
(Brain sprouts wheels from the bottom of his tube-thing and zooms inside. Cyborg follows.)
End Part One
Part 2!
(A few minutes have passed. Cyborg and the Brain are walking and rolling down the hall, conversing)
Cyborg: So... tell me what happened.
Brain: Well, I was dictating to Mallah the blueprints for our new underground lair. His pencil broke and he went to sharpen it. He was gone for fifteen minutes, and when he came back he was chewing something. He said he went to make a sandwich. I told him we had work to do, and he said he was hungry. We had an argument, which eventually came full circle to me being late with rent. I said "You try getting a job without limbs!" and he said "You have those wheels I outfitted for you!" He just picked me up and punted me out the window. A five-story drop!
Cyborg: Ouch.
Brain: Yes! I fortunetly had the parachute he had added in a month before, chuted down, and caught a plane to-
Cyborg: San Francisco.
Brain: No, at first I tried to move in with Warp in France. He had some lady friends over at the time and kicked me out. I tried Plasmus and Phobia, and even some guys in the Fearsome Five, but they all rejected me. As it turns out, all the checks I gave them bounced, leading the police right to them. I narrowly escaped, then hitched a ride back to the States. The plane landed in San Francisco, so I assumed fate had led me here. I came over here, and here we are.
Cyborg: Gotcha. You'll be sleeping in Superboy's room.
Brain: Why there?
Cyborg: It used to be Aqualad's, and he had all the fish tanks. How tall are you?
Brain: About a foot.
Cyborg: Perfect. I can oil your wheel joints daily, and once a week you'll sleep in my room, getting cleaned with my legs.
Brain: Okay.
(Cyborg opens the door to Superboy's room. Superboy isn't there, so Brain putters in. )
Cyborg: I'll be right back. I'm getting an extension cord for you to charge with.
(He turns to leave.)
Brain: Wait!
Cyborg: Yes?
Brain: Um... this sudden hospitality toward your most dangerous enemy is suprising. Might I ask why without making it go away?
Cyborg: Well, from what the Outsiders told me, you did your jail time, and now you're a regular citizen in a tube. Besides, super heroes need to supply some sort of refuge for the needy. Be right back. (He turns to leave, then turns back.) By the way, you're far from our most dangerous enemy. You're like, 6th. At best.
(Cyborg closes the door on Brain. He walks down the hall and bumps Kid Flash.)
KF: Hey! Did you get rid of the creepy tube guy?
Cyborg: No, actually he's living in Superboy's closet. Don't tell anyone he's here, okay?
KF: Deal. If I can remember.
Cyborg: You've got a photographic memory!
KF: PHOTOgraphic. Meaning images. Not conversations.
Cyborg: Remember this. (He holds his fist up close to Kid Flash's face.)
KF (unfrazzled): Oh, I can totally remember that! Geez, what kind of moron do you think I am? I'm on top of- (he speeds away)
Cyborg: Good. (Cyborg walks off.)
(Later, Superboy is watching TV. Sounds of cartoons can be heard from the set. Brain whizzes on, unseen by the Boy of Steel. He looks at the TV for a few seconds, then turns to Superboy.)
Brain: What's on?
Superboy (leaping up and yelping): YAAGH! A BRAIN IN A TUBE!
Brain: THE Brain... in a tube. Try to keep your super villain history straight.
Superboy (assuming fighting position): Hold up! You ran with-
Brain: Monsuir Mallah, the Brotherhood of Evil, major Teen Titans villain, yadda yadda yadda, and now I"m your roommate.
Superboy: Nooo, noo, nooo way, man. I'm not sharing my room with some Pringles container that just walks in. Where's Cyborg?
Brain: Believe it or not, Cyborg actually set up my accomidations. Don't worry, I'll be in the closet the entire time.
Superboy: Yeah, stuffed in a sweat sock! CYBORG?
Brain: Please, don't cause alarm, I'm- oh, no. Her.
(Starfire flies on)
Starfire: What's the yelling about, Kon? I'm- (she sees Brain) oh no. YOU. (Her eyes glow red.) I'M-GOING-TO-KILL-YOU.
Brain: Carp. Uh... Cyborg? Mallah? Anybody?
End Part 2
By the way, I'm taking advice and criticisim.
Part 3!
(Robin and Wonder Girl are playing cards.)
Wonder Girl: Ah, full house. Read them and weep.
Robin: Wait... we were playing poker?
(A Starfire-blast fires through the wall and vaporizes Robin's cards. Wondy and Robin exchange glances.)
Robin: You're the one with super strength.
Wonder Girl: Dang... (she gets up and flies into the other room.)
(Starfire is chasing the Brain around the room. His little wheels are going on overdrive to avoid the many blasts.)
Brain: CYBORG!! HELP!!
Starfire: Die, you freak of nature!!
Brain: Says the alien.
Starfire: That's it! The mercy gloves are off!! (The bolts increase in intensity and destruction. Superboy tackles Starfire.)
Superboy: Kory! Breathe! I don't like him either, but you can't just kill him... inside.
Starfire: I don't care. Let me go!!
(Cyborg finally enters.)
Cyborg: What's going on?
Brain: Finally. This woman was trying to break me in half.
Starfire: For good reason, metalhead!
Brain: Is that really necesarry? The last of a race shouldn't throw around insults.
Starfire: Doesn't stop Superm-
Cyborg: What the hell happened?
Starfire: Oh, act like you don't know. Early New Teen Titans case. Our third against the Brotherhood. They were kidnapping Grunge-O, the rock musician, because he apparently carried a rare disease that could wipe out all of Asia in a matter of days. And he...
Cyborg: Right, he acted as a decoy to trick you onto going on stage, making Phobia give you incredible stage fright. You were paralyzed, and the Brotherhood got away because you didn't destroy their transportation. But it all worked out because the disease didn't work anyway.
Starfire: But what if it had, Cyborg? Billions would have died!
Cyborg: Someone would have stopped it. No problem.
Starfire: But I FAILED!!! I'm a disgrace!!
Brain: And your singing was bad, too.
Superboy: You... sang?
Starfire: (very long silence)... what did you expect me to do? Just let them sit in the seats they paid seventy dollars for? I... I... (they're all staring at her) I WAS BEING MANIPULATED!!
WG: That's kinda weird, Star.
Starfire: I'LL KILL HIM!
Brain: And... there's my exit cue. (His wheels pop out and he zooms out. Starfire, Superboy, and Wonder Girl look at Cyborg.)
Starfire, Superboy, and WG: He's not staying here.
Cyborg: He's a guest! He needs a place to stay! He's homeless! He's skilless! He's...
Brain: (off screen) Where's the Diet Le Pouter? Meh, I'll just drink this oil in the fridge.
Cyborg: That makes it last longer!! (pause. He looks at the others.) What? (pause) I'll call in a favor...
End part 3
freakazoid_x
03/31/2004, 14:35
This is really good... funny too.
Let's try a PART 4!!
(Superboy is watching TV again. Brain wheels on again, like before.)
Superboy: Hey.
Brain: Hey. Whatcha watching?
Superboy: Music videos.
Brain. That's cool, that's cool. Can I, ah, get a lift?
Superboy: *sigh* Sure... (he picks up Brain and puts him up on the couch.)
Brain: Thanks, buddy.
Superboy: Quiet.
Brain: Got it.
(A few second pass.)
Brain: Who's that?
Superboy: Meg White of the White Stripes.
Brain: She's not very good. The guitarist is a lot better.
Superboy: Quiet.
Brain: Okay.
(A few more seconds pass.)
Brain: What else is on?
Superboy: Nothing. It's 1 in the afternoon.
Brain: WHAT? I'm missing Maury!
Superboy: Too bad.
Brain: He's got more baby mommas on there today!
Superboy: That show is carp. They're all actors.
Brain: No they arn't!
Superboy: Well, it doesn't matter. You're not watching the show.
Brain: Give me that remote!
Superboy: No.
Brain: Grrr... (a little electric shock comes from Brain's eyes, Frylock-style. It hits Superboy, who jumps and hits a button on the remote.)
Superboy: Ow!
TV: You're watching Maury... but why?
Brain: Good.
Superboy: What the hell was that?
Brain: A little shock that gives you an involuntary muscle spasm. Any more of those babies and you'll be doing the Ketchup Dance. Then you'll probably die. I got it last week.
Superboy: Don't do it again!
Brain: Okay.
(Superboy hits a button on the remote.)
TV: This is MTV. We ain't that good.
Brain: Go back to Maury!
Superboy: You cheated, and therefore I win. I get to pick the channel.
Brain: Put it back! (Another shock makes Superboy change the channel again.)
TV: This is that network with Maury. You're probably not paying attention.
Superboy: No! (he changes the channel again.)
TV: MTV-dizzle! We're trying too hard.
Brain: Yes! (another shock)
TV: "That's mah baby daddy!"
Superboy: You do that again... (another click of the remote)
TV: MTV. Why'd we cancel "Bevis and Butthead"?
Brain: Rrrr... (he hits Superboy with two shocks. Superboy changes the channel, then throws the remote out of the room.)
Robin (off screen): Ow!
Superboy: That was stupid.
Brain: Your face is stupid. OOOOOOH!
(Superboy grabs Brain and chucks Brain out of the room, like he did with the remote)
Superboy: Cyborg better hurry...
Robin: OWW! What the hell?
Brain: It's his fault!
END PART 4
Part 5!
(Cyborg is sitting in the Monitor Room looking at various pictures of former Teen Titans rogues. Beast Boy walks in.)
BB: Any luck trying to figure out who can get rid of Brainy over there?
Cyborg: Sorry. My first choice was busy.
BB: Who was that?
Cyborg: Doctor Fate.
(A few moments pass.)
BB: Uh... seriously?
Cyborg: Yeah.
BB: No, really, you tried Doctor freaking Fate?
Cyborg: ...Yeah.
BB: Arn't you the smart one? And the logical one?
Cyborg: He stopped Etrigan!
BB: The Brain is not Etrigan! Etrigan is a demon!
Cyborg: He's strong and Doctor Fate beat him.
BB: This is pointless. Who was your second choice?
Cyborg: Um... the Spectre.
BB: Are you kidding me with this? How do you even contact the Spectre?
Cyborg: Oh, I made a sign on the top of the tower with Christmas lights.
(A few moments pass.)
BB: You are like a 3-year-old, you know that?
Cyborg: It seems like the logical choice! He beat the Anti-Monitor.
BB: Son of a... never mind. Third choice?
Cyborg: Actually, I'm just about to call him. The Christmas lights took a while.
BB: 3-year-old.
Cyborg: Shut up!
BB: So who is it?
Cyborg: Ganthet.
BB: Who the hell is Ganthet?
Cyborg: He's the last of the Green Lantern Guardians. John Stewert told me about him at the monthly Black Superheroes Federation meeting last month.
BB: A Green Lantern Guardian.
Cyborg: Yeah.
BB: I'm leaving.
Cyborg: Fine! Don't help me!
(Beast Boy exits.)
Part 6 later today.
Okay, I lied about when Part 6 was going to be. Here it is!
Part 6!!
(Beast Boy just left Cyborg alone. He sees Superboy standing outside his room holding a baseball bat.)
BB: Need I ask?
Superboy: That freak-o on wheels ain't sleeping in my room! Last night alone, he made 27 long distance calls on my phone, and in French so I couldn't eavesdrop! He painted my closet tangerine, nailed a picture of him and a monkey with Donald Duck, and around 5 AM somehow got indigestion and his stomach grumbling kept me awake! He doesn't have a stomach! The sheer impossiblity of it drove me insane.
BB: That sucks, Kon. But Cyborg's working on it, and we're not resorting to baseball bats... yet. Go to Sub-Floor E34-
Superboy: What's that?
BB: The batting cages. Go hit a few bunters.
Superboy: Bonus. (He flies off. Beast Boy continues on, and sees a Batarang flying outside the window.)
BB: What the hell? (He goes to Robin's room, but Robin's not there. He goes to the rec room, and Robin's not their either.)
Wonder Girl (flying by): Robin's up on the roof with our guest. Where's Kon?
BB: Why? You guys gonna make out?
WG: Nnnnn... yes.
BB: Sublevel E34. Batting cages.
WG: Batting cages...? (She flies off.)
(Beast Boy jumps out the window and goes to falcon form. He soars up to the roof and sees Robin trying to hit Brain with his staff. Brain is bouncing around using a spring from his base and dodging every strike.)
BB: (shifting back to human form) Robin! Stop!
Robin (looking at Beast Boy): Huh?
Brain: Focus! (he sends a little jolt that makes Robin leap into the air and fall down on his face.)
Robin: Sorry. (he gets up) Can I try again.
Brain: Let me total your score. You hit me 3 times, broke 16 light bulbs, dodged all of my gunshots, and I tangled you up in your own cape once... giving you a total score of 74 points. Averaged with your previous scores gives you... 83 points. That's a B. Let's try again.
BB: You're... training him?
Brain: A teen vigilantie could always use some work on his skills. That's why I always thought when I saw you in action with Doom Patrol and here.
BB: Training? Robin?
Robin: Yeah! These are skills Batman never could have taught me. I'm getting better, too.
BB: I don't even want to know how exactly this began. I'm gonna check in on Cyborg.
(A few minutes later...)
BB: (just leaving Cyborg again.) I'm not going to help you make a machine that will bridge realities and find Access! Who is Access, anyway? (he sees Wonder Girl and Superboy making out on the couch) Never made it to Sublevel E34, eh?
Superboy: Uh, yyyy... no.
BB: Yeah... we need more girls on this team.
(Starfire flies by chasing Brain and Robin)
Starfire: YAAAHH!!
Robin: You're right, Brain! This is a great workout for speed, agility, and endurance!
Brain: I'm always right, Pink- I mean, Robin.
Cyborg: (running in) I've got it! Titans, meeting in the Monitor Room!
Part 7, coming up!
No update just yet, but if anyone has any input, questions, comments, ideas, whatever, post them here or PM me. If it's an idea for how the story might end, PM me so if I use it, there won't be spoilers.
Part the 7!!
(In the Monitor Room, all the Titans are crowded around the large monitor on which Cyborg has projected his answer to get Brain out of the house.)
WG: Whoa.
SB: It's... ah... pretty... um...
Cyborg: I know, I know, but if it works, it'll get him out of the house, no sweat.
Robin: Does he really have to leave?
All other Titans: Yes.
Robin: Okay, then. Where do you want me?
Cyborg: Actually, you arn't needed for any of this. This all works without you.
Robin: But... all right. I'll go back to Gotham, then.
KF: Later.
Robin: Oh, you could at LEAST show a little feeling.
KF: (in an opera-like voice) LLLLAAATEEEEERRRR!!
Robin: ...sigh...
(Later, Brain is watching "Maury" at a high volume with Kid Flash.)
KF: I don't get it. Are they male or-
Brain: SHADDUP!
KF: Geez...
Brain: Ooh, this is the part where they take out the lie detector, and the guys that are lying- OWWW!! What the hell?
KF: What?
Brain: I just felt a twinge in my head... must be just a headache. I'll take a nap when the show's over.
KF: Yeah... a nap. Cool.
Brain: Andd... roll credits. Nap time!
KF: Gotcha.
(Brain leaps up off the couch and starts to roll to his room. Suddenly, his wheels start to smoke.)
Brain: AHH! Overheat! Overheat!
(He retracts his wheels and extends his spring, which gets brown and starts to crack.)
Brain: Rust? Oh, this is just perfect.
Cyborg (just entering): Did I hear the word rust? Let me give you an anti-rust bath.
Brain: No, I'll just get on my side and roll like a tube to my room.
Cyborg: Nonsense! Come with me. (he scoops up Brain)
Brain: Joy.
(Cyborg carries Brain to his room, but is interrupted by a rumbeling noise)
Brain: What's that?
Cyborg: This is San Francisco. We have CONSTANT earthquakes. You get used to them. Actually, let's go to the outdoor rust-bath shed.
(They turn around and go outside. A shed sits about 100 feet away.)
Brain: That pile of decrepit wood contains de-rusting equipment?
Cyborg: It's a cover. I don't want break-ins on my powerful devices.
Brain: Makes sense.
(Suddenly, Beast Boy in canary form flies out of the shed. The previous rumbling grows more intense, and a giant ape bursts from the shed, destorying it.)
Brain: Mallah!
Cyborg: No... Gorilla Grodd! Savage and bloodthirsty!
Brain: AAAHHH! Get me out of here!
Cyborg: Wait, I think I can take him.
(Cyborg leaps into the frey. He fires a shot of white sound, but misses. Grodd takes a swing at him, and Cyborg goes flying into the water.)
Brain: Oh, no.
(Grodd sets his sights on Brain. Brain squirms, and flops onto his side, rolling down just between Grodd's legs. Grodd tries to grab him and falls foreward.)
Brain (setting upright): Ha! Idiot. Now, I can't use the wheels, I don't want to set myself on fire. The spring has about one good bounce in it left, so I should save that. Then there's the- (Grodd has grabbed Brain and lifted him up high. Brain, as a last ditch effort, shoots the spring into Grodd's face, shattering it and knocking Grodd down. Brain flies through the air toward the city. Little pieces of metal on small arms start to extend and attach. They form into arms, legs, a large torso, and a little bowl in the middle for Brain. A giant robot suit surrounds Brain. Jets fire from the heels, and he flies away.)
THE PLAN
Cyborg had been running diagnostics on Brain since the moment he moved in. He knew about the robot suit, and all the other gadgets Brain had in there. He also knew that all the offensive ones took time to charge, so in the event of a fight, everything had to be moving as fast as possible. And speed was exactly what he used.
The entire team (except Robin) was needed. Cyborg called in a favor with one Wally West to see if he could get Gorilla Grodd to service him temporarily. After a great deal of paperwork, saftey measures, and other calls, it was ready.
The cage containing Grodd was delivered by one John Jones, alias J'onn J'onzz, alias Martain Manhunter. His telepathic abilities were a help in distracting Brain. While Kid Flash watched "Maury" with Brain, J'onzz triggered a headache/ fatigue sense in Brain, making him want to sleep, but not until after Maury was finished. The moment Maury finished, Brain prepared his spring to leap off the couch. When it extended, Kid Flash spread rust juice (an invention of Cyborg's) all over the spring. Brain lept off, and since Kid Flash couldn't get to him unnoticed to smear the juice on his wheels, Martain Manhunter simply caused them to overheat. When the spring was re-extended to leap to his room, the rust became visible. Cyborg's cue was the word "rust" and he timely came onto the scene to give Brain an anti-rust bath. He took him outside, where Superboy, Wonder Girl, Starfire, and Beast Boy had built the shed. Inside the shed was Gorilla Grodd's cage. Starfire had been aggrivating him with her starbolts for a few minutes, while Superboy and Wonder Girl held him down. Beast Boy stood watch as a mouse. When he saw Cyborg and Brain coming, he went inside, told the other three to hide. and turned into a canary to get Grodd to come out of his cage. It worked, and after losing sight of Beast Boy, he went to Cyborg and Brain. Cyborg purposly missed his shot and activated his jet boots to leap away but make it look like he was hit. The rest was luck. Brain had to use the robot suit to get away. Afterward, all the Titans apprehended Grodd, placed him back in his cage, and sent him back.
AFTERMATH
Brain and Mallah reconciled and now live together again.
The Teen Titans are still an active crime-fighting team.
Martain Manhunter has returned to status as a mighty member of the Justice League of America.
END
That was funny, but I was expecting the cartoon Brain (with Pinky) against the cartoon Teen Titans.
freakazoid_x
04/16/2004, 20:10
Great story... kind of an anti-climatic ending. I really thought Brain was rather charming and would have liked to see more Brain/Titans fun.
Thanks, guys. How do I get a Star Rating to appear?
Okay, this is just a bump since I've gotten all good reviews and thought that, since Brain and Mallah just appeared in Identity Crisis, people would enjoy this story. Here you go!
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